Spirit & Resolve

This is the time of year, gentle readers, when, especially when things are going great in your life, that it's hard to remember that not everyone is sharing your celebrations.

Your MatchGirl is thinking back to when she was first laid off, in November of 2008 - right after the worst birthday I have ever celebrated, right after the death of my grandfather, right before Thanksgiving. Though I spent Thanksgiving in Brooklyn with dear friends, and Christmas in New Hampshire with my family, this was a low point for your MatchGirl.

I could not go out and buy gifts for people in the way I had hoped. I was living hand-to-mouth off a paltry severance (which I know I was lucky to get), as I waited for unemployment insurance to kick in. It was a bad time.

I was single.
I felt disgusting.
I felt unloveable, undate-able and unhire-able.
The weather was damp and grey and cold.
It felt like the sun never shone.

And to make matters worse, the streets were filled with the gaiety of the holidays.
I mean, come on!
Nothing like the world rubbing it in, huh?

But here's the thing, dear readers.
It was all in my head.
I was sad and allowing myself to wallow in it.
Not being able to separate the good things in my life from the dismal feelings I had.

A year later, your MatchGirl was still unemployed. And you know what? I took advantage of it for all it was worth. Money? Who needed it? You can check out my Handmade Holiday here. What had really changed, though, was my attitude. I was certainly in no better situation than I had been the year before. In fact, after over a year unemployed, I should have been more depressed, not less.

But things change.
And you come to realize where priorities should lie. What matters to you the most (it's different for every person and I wouldn't presume to say where another's priorities should lie).

That's not to say, however, that this isn't a hard time of year for those who aren't working. Or who are working at part-time jobs. Or who are getting by - just - paycheck-to-paycheck. It's tough. It's tougher than the rest of the year, for sure.

So, this month, be generous with yourself. With your thoughts.
Take a moment to recognize how your hard work has gotten you to a great place.
Take a moment to pause and reflect on what it might have been had you not gathered your resolve and pushed forward.
And take a moment to see those around you - the unemployeds, the underemployeds, your friends and neighbors - and think how you can help them to find their resolve. To make their grey days a little brighter.
I promise it will be the best gift you can give.

Ghosts of the Past

Your MatchGirl wrote here, not that long ago, about the ghosts from our pasts. The ones that come to haunt us when we are least expecting them. The ones whose voices stick with us, no matter what we do, as we carry on and keep on moving forward in our lives.

Last week your MatchGirl encountered one such ghost of lifetime past. One who has lingered in her mind - in the things she doubts about herself and in the things she touts about herself - for over a decade.

And here is what I learned:

While it's good to face one's demons, it's even better to face one's ghosts. Because while those inner demons are part of you, the ghosts are from the outside. It's harder to change how those voices affect you because you don't have any control over where those words came from to begin with.

Your MatchGirl, while not on exactly firm ground, life-wise, is at a good place to face those ghosts. She's at a good place with her relationships. She's got forward momentum when it comes to her career. She knows where she wants to go and she can see a path (fuzzy as it may be right now) of how to achieve it.

As for the ghost... well, gentle readers, he was the same person he's always been. And that was good to see. Because your MatchGirl, she's the same person she's always been, too. She's just a stronger, tougher, older, more confident version of it.

What do you think? As you move through your life, do you hear voices of those ghosts from your past? Do you let them hold you back? Or do you use those whispers to help propel yourself forward?

Your Job Interview = A First Date

Think of it that way, gentle readers.

Those of you who've had eyes on this tome for a while now know that your MatchGirl knows of what she speaks.

You were lucky enough to get that first interview... so now what? You feel nervous and anxious and not sure what comes next. Right? Yep. That's just like dating.

Just like on a first date, you want to show your future employer the very best you. Here are a few tips to make that happen.

Dress to impress. Even if you know the place is a jeans and T-shirt kind of tech start-up, take it up a notch and dress up.

No cell phone. Turn it off. Or at least silent. Don't leave it on vibrate, you'll still notice it and get distracted. Your attention needs to be fully on the person you're with.

Make eye contact. It's the best way to engage someone. Don't stare them down, of course, but definitely hold their gaze.


Listen. Being an attentive listener will help you make a great impression.

Ask questions. As much as you are there to sell yourself, you're also there to listen. And learn. Even if you did a ton of research on the company (or Googled the bejeezus out of the date) or if the person you're meeting told you every possible thing under the sun, make sure to ask some relevant questions. It will make it seem like you were paying attention while they were speaking.

Count to three. Before you answer a question. And think about the answer. Even the most anticipated question, with the most practiced answer, might require a different approach when you're inside the conversation.

No gum. Seriously. No one wants to talk to someone chawing away on a hunk of chicle.

What are your best job interview/fist date tips?

Ghosts In The Machine

As we go through this life, there is a constant ebb and flow of people we meet. Of people we lose. Of people we loved but we'll never see again.

Your MatchGirl, gentle readers, has been seeing ghosts. Not the kind that horror movies and Halloween specials are made of but ghosts of the past.

Maybe visions is a better word.

It's funny because in the age of social networks, we forget how easy it once was to lose hold, to lose track, to lose contact with people. But I think it still happens. And when you come face-to-face with one of those ghosts again, it brings you back to another time and place.

Your MatchGirl writes here, often, about using social media for your job search, about the importance of networking and keeping track of who you meet - of heling others because one day they might help you. We forget sometimes, though, in our push for the next big thing - the next job, the next promotion - that there are people from other parts of our lives who have helped us grow to where we stand now.

I was interviewed recently and asked, "What do you wish you knew when you were in college?" This is something that your MatchGirl has thought long and hard about. And the answer is something that brings ghosts to mind:

I wish, when I was at school, that I had known it was OK to follow my gut. I listened to a lot of advice from a lot of people, including some who told me I could never be more than I was – that I wouldn’t make it – and I wish I had known it was OK to ignore those people. That all advice should be taken with a grain of salt.

Because a lot of those people offering advice were not professional advisors (though a couple might have been professors). They were friends and lovers. They were people who saw me the way they imagined me to be, not the way that I could be. Not the way that I saw myself. When I was in school, I was not agressive about my wants and needs, I, for the most part, kept them hidden (this is something that started in elementary school, when it was not OK to speak up). In retrospect, I guess I was embarrassed to share my dreams and to show that I could make them happen.

This certainly held me back. But it also helped me to get where I am today. And every now and then a ghost pops up to remind me of the way things used to be and the way things might have been.


I'm curious, what ghosts are haunting your progress? Are there any visions out there holding you back?

Reflections

The other day, gentle readers, a wise friend sent me a birthday message wishing me a happy new year.  And your MatchGirl thinks that this is the passage of time that deserves reflection.  Resolutions? Perhaps.  I'm not so sure.  But reflection, most certainly.

Your MatchGirl had a wonderful birthday weekend.  I celebrated in Greenpoint and Williamsburg - with old friends and new and some who I was lucky enough to meet through this blog.  On Sunday, Boyfriend and I drove out to the Hamptons and took a walk along the Autumnal (his word) beach.

All in all, it was a good weekend.  There is nothing that I would have done differently.

As readers of this little page know, a lot has changed for your MatchGirl in the past 12 months.  I'm no longer unemployed.  I'm not so much single.  I've done things and met people in this past year that I could not have imagined on the eve of my 34th birthday.  And I could not feel more lucky for it.

Thank you, all, for this year.

Here's to the next.

Space And Place

Ah, gentle readers, your MatchGirl has made a resolution to herself to spend more time writing in this little space.  I want to write to you more about what I hear about unemployment issues and underemployment; about health insurance (or your lack thereof); of boys and dating; of how it all somehow comes together and draws parallel lines in life.

I am in a space where I have been at my new job for about 7 months.  Long enough that I cannot call it my "new" job.  It's my job.  Though, after a year and a half sharing this unemployed world with you, it still feels like a new job.  It feels like a new life. 

And that, gentle readers, makes it harder for me to write for you here.  To focus my mind, even for an hour or two a day - and we all know there are not enough hours in the day, as is - on the struggles that are still happening every day for the unemployed and the underemployed, to the issues that I still care a great deal about, takes me to another place.

I have it pretty good, I think, in this work place that I'm in - frustrating though it may be some days.  I get to write on the company blog - and I get to write posts that I'm proud of.  I got to travel to Bogotá, Colombia.  I get to work with a whole bunch of cool people (located in a lot of different offices, all over the world).  But now I am at the place where I need to seriously figure out my next move in that world.  Or, more importantly, how to actually make it happen.

Dear readers, your MatchGirl, feels very lucky to be employed.  I feel in a good place to be plotting my future.  To wrap my head around where I can make things lead in my work life.  To be comfortable enough to relax and see where things will lead in my love life (and yes, there is, and it's a whole separate story). 

Over all, gentle ones, your MatchGirl feels like she is in a very good place.

I hope you are all on your way there, too.

Jane Austen?

A month or two ago, sitting with a girlfriend in my kitchen, drinking beer and sewing curtains, we gossiped, as people do, about relationships - past, present and future. As stories unfolded, she looked at me, gentle readers, and told me that I should write them all down, so that when she was finished reading the works of Jane Austen, she could read the tales of your MatchGirl's loves and losses.

Now, your MatchGirl has not read a lot of Jane Austen, though perhaps that would be a good summer reading endeavor, but my life's loves are certainly full of complex stories. There are none so simple as "girl meets boy". Of course, is that ever really the case in this modern society? We spend so much time online - making friends and acquaintances over social networking sites. We keep in touch with those we love over text messages and e-mails. I don't know about you, dear readers, but I barely just talk on the phone any longer.  It's a rare treat when I have the time.

I have one dear friend who met a girl in real life, and then, while living in separate countries, and chatting online and via Skype on a regular basis, decided that they should be in a relationship - before they had ever been alone together.  They've, of course, since spent time together.  And, to my eyes, and your MatchGirl has known this gentleman for a very long time, he is very happy.

Your MatchGirl, in case you could not tell, loves the written word.  And I love getting to know someone using the written word, but I wonder if all these things (of which I heartily partake) that are supposed to make it easier to communicate really make it harder.  I wonder if we were better off in those days where you met someone, in real life first, and got to know them slowly over a matter of time - over drinks and coffees and dinners and walks from the movie theater.  I remember those times.  I'm not sure my life was any better for it, but I wonder about them.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Patience is a virtue.

-Piers Plowman

Good things come to those who wait.

-Proverbs

Things will be just fine

You and I'll just use a little patience.

-Axl Rose

You take it on faith, you take it to heart

The waiting is the hardest part.

-Tom Petty

Patience is the art of hoping.

-Vauvenargues, Marquis de quotes

Ah, gentle readers, your MatchGirl keeps hearing about the virtue of patience.  And, while she understands that one can't force some subjects and while she understands that one can't push others and while she understands that sometimes there is simply a time-line beyond one's control - she still hates waiting.

Relying on others to come to a decision is one of the most frustrating things in the world.  Because, no matter how hard you've worked towards something or how much you've given of yourself or how much you've put yourself out there - the waiting is the hardest part.

(I've written about it here before)

In dating, it's the waiting for the call.  It's the waiting for the first kiss.  It's the waiting, when (or once) you know what you want from someone - the them to come to the same (you hope) or another (disappointing, yet often inevitable) conclusion.

In the job hunt, it comes after you've sent out hundreds of resumes and are not hearing anything back.  It comes after that first interview, when you are just hoping that they'll call you back.  It comes later you've learned, through your well networked grapevine, that they've checked your references and  you just sit hitting "refresh" on your e-mail browser for hours - no, days - on end.  Waiting for any word.  For any answer.

Recently, for millions of unemployed, it's been in waiting for Congress to come back from yet another vacation (read: campaign trip back home) and vote on a bill that affects your every day life - your ability to pay your rent or keep your electricity on or feed your kids.

It's hard to be patient, dear ones.  It's hard to be patient because, many times, that patience means that you have little or no control over the outcome for which you are waiting.

A Case For Friendship

Ah, gentle readers, your MatchGirl may have been a bit spotty with the posting of late, but I promise to be better from now on.  Employment won't keep me away from you.

This blog began as "one girl's perspective on being unemployed and single in Greenpoint, Brooklyn."  And I feel that I've remained true to that.  Though, often a lot more posts focus on my life as an unemployed gal, this one is about the part of my life that's me as a single girl.

Over the past year or so, dear ones, your MatchGirl has dated.  A lot.  This is not to say that she is out hooking up with a lot of men.  But this does mean that she has been on several first dates, a handful of second ones and even met some guys who stuck around for (or were kept around for?) dates that numbered into the double digits.  She has certainly kissed a lot of frogs.

While dating itself is kind of fun - anticipation, fresh conversation, meeting new people who are, whether they're a love connection or not, for the most part interesting and engaging and nice to spend an hour or two with - actually being single, meeting the people to go on those dates with and, no employed, finding the time to do so is a little stressful.

My favorite, though, are the dates that were unexpected, unplanned, unsure. Tentative meetings with men that you know through friends or work or events or just running into around the neighborhood.

And here is why - there are no nerves, just easy conversation.  It's easy to have a drink with a friend.  We do it all the time.  It's easy to meet up with someone you want to get to know better - that's how friendships flourish.

Think of it this way, gentle ones:  You're at a party and you start chatting with someone of the same sex (or opposite sex if you're attracted to those of the same sex) and it turns out that you have a lot in common or you live in the same neighborhood or you both list "Can't Buy Me Love" among your favorite movies so you decide that you should have coffee or brunch or have a cocktail and get to know each other better.  You don't think twice about texting her or shooting off an e-mail.  You call because you want to hang out.

There are no rules.  There are no games.  There is simply "Let's hang out and get to know each other better."

In my opinion, dear readers, this is a much more civilized way to go about things.

And, to that end, I have made a resolution - or, actually, committed to keeping a resolution that I made a long time ago.

I will play no games.
If I have a lovely time with a gentleman, I will let him know.
If I want to see him again, I'll tell him.
If I feel like sending him a text, I will.
If he freaks out...  then he's not the man for me.

Life's to short to wait around for games and three-day rules.  Every great relationship is built on friendship anyway, so why not approach dating the same way you would making a new friend?

Connection

Oh, gentle readers, your MatchGirl is still channeling the mid-90s Brit pop - feeling nostalgic and a little melancholy all at once. Nostalgic for the salad days of youth, perhaps. And melancholy that it was fifteen years ago and being a proper adult seemed so very far away. Back in those days, all you had to do to connect with someone was go to a bar or a concert, hang out in a coffee shop or wander through the (now defunct) Tower Records in Harvard Square. You simply had to go to class and pay attention to the people in your seminar who has interesting things to say. To get a job, you spoke to a counselor on campus. You walked into a store you liked and asked if they were hiring.

Oh my, how times have changed.

Perhaps some of what has changed is simply perception. We're not kids anymore and everything looks so very rosy and romantic in hindsight.

Or, maybe the internet has changed everything.

From Craigslist to Monster to Match, whether you are looking for a job or a date, all one seems to need to do is hop on the web and everything is at their fingertips. Don't get me wrong, gentle ones, your MatchGirl is amazed at the connections she has been able to make through this forum - through blogging and Tweeting and Facebook pages - but, I am lucky to have made a lot of those connections with people who live right here in Greenpoint. I am lucky to have met them in real life and be able to go and grab a coffee or a cocktail with them.

It is a little over a year since I was laid off and it is also a little over a year since I started online dating. I'm ashamed of neither. The economy (and my bosses stocks) tanked and my position was a casualty. I was single and not meeting anyone else who was single, so I decided to sign up for an online service and see who was out there. Both have been enriching and interesting experiences.

Unfortunately, in the desolation that is the American economy in 2010, finding a job online just doesn't seem that likely. The last place I interviewed told me they had received 450 applications - only counting the people who applied properly, answering the supplemental questions and sending their resume to the email address embedded in the body of the job listing. I felt honored just to interview. Honestly. There are so many thousands of people out there right now, searching earnestly for a job. I can't even conceive of the hundreds and hundreds of resumes that each employer receives in their email inbox. I can't imagine sifting through them all, looking for that perfect match.

Online dating is kind of the same. There are so many single people out there - of all shapes and ages and sizes - too shy to speak to someone at a bar or coffee shop. They see a pretty face on the subway and, instead of taking a deep breath and saying "hello", they rush home and write a Missed Connection - throwing it out into the ether and leaving it in the hands of whatever fate they subscribe to that their dream hunny (or an astute friend) is going to see that missive. They troll through pages and pages of online profiles, looking at pictures and sending out emails. All in the hope that not only will the object of their desire respond, but that, upon meeting, the connection will be there and that that one will be "the one".

This morning, as I sit here, perusing the job postings on Craigslist and MediaBistro, I'm over it. I am so very tired of reading these anonymous listings of job descriptions from nameless companies I know nothing about. I want a job - I desperately want a job - but I want a job that is a good fit. For both the employer and for me. I feel as though these anonymous ads on Craigslist are just wasting time. Not only mine, but the company's as well. To sift through a thousand resumes is a pain in the ass, and, by the time that the reader gets through the piles, we all know they will be less focused than when they began the process. The anonymity of the postings also leads to tedious cover letters. If you have no idea who you are addressing, how can you really introduce yourself as being the right one for the job?

As for online dating? Over that, too. Sure, I've met some very interesting people. Some I would never go out with again, but they make a good story for a cocktail party. Some have become good friends, and I'm glad to have them in my circle. But I miss the days when you talk to someone at a party or a dinner or waiting for the bus. I miss the days of making that initial connection.

I am ready to have a job. I am ready for a commute and wearing heels every day and not being able to log onto Facebook whenever I want. I am ready for conference calls and water cooler conversation and intra-office gossip.

I am ready to stop going on first dates. I am ready for dates three and four and hand holding and movie watching and that giddy excitement of actually getting to know someone. In real life.

A Little Patience

Ah, gentle readers, if you've been reading this tome for a while now, you know that your MatchGirl is not the most patient of women.  She likes to know what's happening.  She likes to have an answer.

But, as so often the case in job hunting, and, its parallel, dating, there are no quick and easy answers.  There is no fast fix.

Today I was alerted to a job that seemed made for me.  It was out there in the Twitter-verse, re-posted by a friend of a friend, who I follow for her musings of all these food and drink related.  I had just been on Craiglsist, perusing the listings, perhaps an hour earlier, and feeling completely uninspired.  Nothing was speaking to me.  Nothing inspired me to apply.  Honestly, there was nothing that made me feel like I would want to go into that office every day and do that job ad infinitum.  I felt like I should give up for the day - look at a couple of other sites, reach out to a couple of recruiters I know and then hit the streets and the sewing machine for the rest of my sunny Monday.

I, however, caught Meredith's quick re-tweet and clicked on the posting - more out of curiosity than thinking that I would find a job for me behind that url.  I couldn't have been more surprised!  The job spoke to me in ways that no posting has in quite some time.  The skills required were not only ones I have done in past jobs, they were ones that I use in my free time.  For fun!  It required organizational skills, calmness under pressure and comfort in the world of social media networking.

Well, dear ones, we all know that I can do that!

So, I've submitted my resume.

I wrote a cover letter.
I answered the included questions.
I put in hyper-links to all my blogs and social media platforms.

And now I wait.

Your MatchGirl has never been good at waiting.  At not knowing what's going on.
Just sitting back and relaxing are not really things that I have ever known how to do.

I'm the same way when it comes to dating.  When I meet a guy and I know I like him, I want to hang out with him and see where it will go.  I want to get to know him better.  I want to spend time - I want to make time - for all of that.  I'm no good at being that patient gal that waits by the phone for her man to call.  Of course, I don't want to call him to much because it's a sure-fired way to scare him away (or so all my friends - male and female - say).  The games people play in dating have never made sense to me (I think I was out of the room when that particular rule book was passed around).  I can't be bothered with them.

While your MatchGirl considers herself a virtuous (mostly) girl, patience has never been one which she possessed in spades.  Perhaps it's the Scorpio in her.  Perhaps it's because she is the first-born child.  Whatever the reason, it's an art I wish to practice, but not one that comes easily.

Of course, I believe, Axl Rose said it best:

Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow
Things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience

Here's to you, Axl.  And here's to me using (finding) that little patience.
In a few things that are going on in my life right now.

You Talk Too Much

Ah, gentle readers, your MatchGirl is not known for keeping her tongue.

In fact, some may say she talks too much.

And, it's true.
Guilty as charged.

I talk too much.

On dates.
When I meet new people.
When I am at a party.

It's not that I don't want to listen.  I do.  I want to know what you have to say.  In fact, unless you are a total bore, I really want to know your thoughts on things.  I want to debate.  I want to get to know you better (again, unless you are a total bore).  I might not ask the right questions, but I mean to.

I have a lot to say, too, however, and, spending so much of my day alone on a regular basis ...  I can't seem to help but run at the mouth when I am in an environment with actual people to talk to.

It's something I'm working on.  I promise.
And a skill that will come in handy should I ever get a job interview.

Last week on Brian Lehrer on WNYC, a gentleman named Scott Peek, who volunteers at a Dallas career networking organization about the two minute interview.

This is smart.

Because, if I remember correctly, when you sit down across from the interviewer, they will say "Tell me about yourself" and then ...  nothing.  You need to know ow to answer that question, in a way that will keep their attention, show your interest in the company and how much you'd like to have that job.  and you have to do it in two minutes.

Here are some tips from Scott, as posted on the Brian Lehrer Help Wanted Facebook Page (and, yes, everyone is suddenly getting unemployment Facebook pages, feel free to fan mine):

Remember this is a well prepared response to the first interview question that you will always get that states... "Tell me about yourself..." or "I've haven't read though your resume... can you summarize it for me?"

The future employer is trying to translate the potential value you might bring to their organization, rather than hearing all about your past experience...

Here are the four steps (and it has to be brief - within 2 minutes)
1. (15 sec) Restate your name (if needed), and ensure you describe your role (or desired role) for which you are seeking.
2. (45 sec) Highlight your work experience and be specific about the accomplishments (business results) you have been a part of.
3. (45 sec) "Talking about the future" Project how you'll take your past and translate it into terms of that person's company, the role you'll play at that company and/or the potential results you see yourself creating for that person as you get hired.
4. (15 sec) Ask an opened ended question of the interviewer that relates to their business. This step starts to turn the interview into a conversation.

A few guidelines:
- You have to comfortably be able to describe what your next career will be.
- Spend a lot of time researching the company. You want to learn as much as you can about: Companies Goals, Challenges, mission statement, vision, culture, product portfolio, client base, how the clients might view that company, what their org chart might look like, who are the key players in the company/department, etc.
- Most of your research can be found within their website, on Linkedin pages, talking to others in the industry.
- Bottom line is you have to see yourself in the position talking their language as you enter the interview.
- The worst thing is to not know who you are talking to, what the company does, how long they have been in business, and who some of the main competitors are.

I remember from my days of being the interviewer (as opposed to the interviewed) that it's hard to keep all those resumes straight. Of course the person interviewing you will go over it before you walk in the door, but remember that they have received hundreds of resumes and it's just difficult to engage with the person you're interviewing and look at the paper in front of you. Instead of being perturbed that they don't know who you are, use those first two minutes to shine.



Also, in the comments section on the Brian Lehrer page, someone wrote that they felt that a handwritten "Thank You" note seemed desperate. Pshaw. Gentle readers, your MatchGirl (and Miss Manners) would disagree. A handwritten "Thank You" note is simply good manners.

Girl On The Phone

Gentle readers, this topic keeps coming up - in conversation, in e-mails, in comments on Twitter and the blog - it's all about waiting and, more importantly, etiquette.  Whether it's a job you've interviewed for or a person you've gone on a date with, there is just a certain way to do things.

I realize that I just posted about this topic, but, in the few days since that post, I can't even count the amount of conversations that have occurred around the topic.

If you say you are going to call, call.
If you ask for a phone number, call.
If you have no plans on calling, don't ask for a phone number that you're not going to use.

Perhaps this is more of a dating post than an unemployment post, but it is what it is.   The same rules apply - it's simply common courtesy.

While walking with a friend this weekend, talking about boys, the topic of the no-call arose.  More to the point, the topic of asking for the phone number you're not planning on using.  She said that, and I am paraphrasing, she would much rather a guy didn't bother to ask for the number (after a meeting, a make-out, a hook-up) if they are not planning on using it.  If they just part ways with no way of contacting you, then that's that.  There are no expectations.  But when they ask for a number, tell you they are going to call, the game changes.  It's a different world, and everything is up in the air.

I brought up an episode of Friends during this conversation - which has come up in every conversation about the no-call - "The One With The Dollhouse".  In this episode, and bear with me, Chandler goes on a date with Rachel's boss.  He finds her dull, but, at the end of the date, he says "So, I'll call you."  And, of course, he doesn't.

An excerpt:

Rachel: Come on, this isn’t funny. She thinks it’s my fault that you haven’t called her. You have to call her!
Chandler: Look, you can’t call somebody after this long just to say, ‘In case you didn’t notice, I don’t like you!’
Rachel: Well then you’re going to have to take her out again.
Chandler: Nooo!! She’s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!
Rachel: I don’t care! I don’t care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it’s actually ended. And, I don’t care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!

I'm not saying that people are sitting and waiting for the phone to ring.  And I'm definitely not saying that every person who gives out their number and doesn't get a phone call is freaking out that their phone is not ringing.  But it's just impolite.

As for your MatchGirl, in keeping with her New Year's resolution of no expectations, she's given out her number to those who've not called and, while, it'd be lovely to hear from them... It's too much energy to be upset that they've not phoned.

To relate this to the job hunt, hiring managers, please, if you have someone in for an interview, if you have someone in for a series of interviews, at least have the courtesy to phone (or, hell, e-mail) them and let them know that you've gone in a different direction.  It's not that hard.  It's simply common courtesy.

The Waiting Game

Ah, gentle readers. Your MatchGirl is not a fan of waiting.  That is not to say that I cannot be a patient girl, but when I want something to happen, I want it to happen.  I believe in doing what I can to make things happen and I believe in trying to figure out how to make things happen when I'm  not sure.

To be honest, when it comes to an income, I am very much in the position where I am trying to figure out how to make things happen - as I'm not really sure what my next step ought to be.  And full-time employment, job interviews, even, seem to elude me.

This is a post about waiting. 
This is yet another post about how looking for a job and the dating world are so very much the same game.

In both, you need to show interest.  But just enough.  Too much interest and you may seem a little creepy or obsessive.  Too little interest and you will not be taken seriously.

In both job seeking and dating, you need to show up the first time ready to make the best impression.  The right shoes.  The right outfit.  Hair coiffed exactly right.  You need to have fresh breath and the right accessories on hand, be it resumes or condoms, prepared for anything.

You need to spend a lot of time looking.  And I mean a lot.  Whether you are trolling the job sites on line or obsessively e-mailing employers you'd just like to work for, it's not so different than paging through the dating sites or keeping an eye to Missed Connections (just in case that cute boy in the jeans and sneakers with ironic glasses noticed you, too).  Putting together your LinkedIn profile is pretty much the same as filling out your page on Nerve.com.  Either way, it's upon you to sell yourself in a very short amount of space - to make people want to e-mail you.

In my humble experience, however, dear ones, the biggest similarity is the waiting.  And the waiting.  And the waiting.

You go on an interview.  You send your Thank You e-mails and/or letters.  And then you wait.  Perhaps you phone them or e-mail them again.  But mostly, you wait - either for rejection or confirmation.  You just hope that they ask you in again.

You are introduced to a gentleman (or lady) by mutual friends.  You chat.  You have a drink.  Perhaps you share some food.  You feel like you'd like to get to know this person better.  They ask for your number/e-mail/card, so you feel like they'd like to know you better as well.  And then you wait.  And you wait.  And that's just the way things go.

Your MatchGirl is not good at this kind of waiting.  She likes to have a plan - to have action - to know what is going to happen next.  I feel the same disappointment when I don't hear back from a prospective employer regarding my interviews (I understand that not every applicant will receive acknowledgment of their submission, but after one or two interviews a courtesy e-mail or call is only appropriate!) as when that cute guy that asked for my number/e-mail/card doesn't call.  The worst part of it?  Knowing there is nothing I can do about it.


Image from some kid's project on the 70s and 80s

Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves

Now, there was a time when they used to say
that behind ev'ry great man, there had to be a great woman.
But oh, in these times of change,
you know that it's no longer true.
So we're comin' out of the kitchen,
'cause there's something we forgot to say to you.
We say, Sisters are doin' it for themselves,
standin' on their own two feet and ringin' on their own bells.
We say, Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
-Eurythmics

Ah, gentle readers, it comes as no surprise to any of you that your MatchGirl is a single gal. Despite her best efforts to find that special someone, it seems that not one has singled himself out (quite yet. It's possible that there is a contender, or two). And, dear ones, your MatchGirl has gotten quite used to being an independent lady.

There are times, of course, that I wish I had a hunny (a lot of times, actually). It's been so long, though, that I'm not sure I would know what to do with one. For instance, this being the holiday season, when it came time to get a tree, I did it by myself. It's not that there weren't people who could help me. Not at all. There were male friends that offered. There were male friends who were offended I didn't ask. But, dear ones, I am not that good at asking for help. Sometimes, I need it. But I feel like I should be able to do most things on my own.

Perhaps this is what makes my dating life problematic. I'm not good at sitting quietly. I'm not good at waiting for Prince Charming to call. I'm not good at letting others do for me. Perhaps that's why I'm having a hard time with the fellas.

I dunno. I do know that my arms still hurt from carrying my tree home all alone.

The French Chef

Recently, gentle readers, your MatchGirl has been reading "My Life In France" by Julia Child.  In the memoir, Ms. Child recounts moving to France (*sigh* Paris) with her husband Paul in the late 1940s and her discovery of - what became her life long passion - French cuisine.

What inspires me, in these tough times, about this, dear ones, is that Julia Child was in her mid 30s when she met the man of her dreams, her late 30s when she moved to France and her early 40s when she actually started her career as, what we might call now, a professional foodie.  Sure, she had other jobs in her life, she had a good New England liberal arts education, she had a good life - but it was in her 30s that she discovered what would be the passion that drove her for the rest of her life.

This give me hope.

Your MatchGirl, as you may know, has had a few different jobs throughout her "career".  But not one of them was something that she was passionate about.  Of course, the type of person I am, I threw myself into each and every job I have had - long hours, low pay, nightmares about shoes in the rickety stockroom falling on my head... - but none of these places ever drove me.  None of these jobs inspired me to do better, to learn more, to grow grow grow in a very personal way - the way that her discovery of French food drove Julia Child.  But, the more I think about it, the more I know what I do want to do - or, more to the point, where I want to work.   And the type of work that I want to do.

I used to feel crazy (and jealous) that so many of my friends seemed to find their passion - and careers that they wanted to pursue - early in life.  I cannot even count how many friends I have who are passionate doctors and lawyers and teachers - who knew that they wanted to do this by their Freshman year at college.  Not me.  I knew what I enjoyed, and it was varied, but I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.  The question, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" could be answered differently depending on the day, or hour, that you asked me for most of my life.  In reality, I just want to be happy.  I want to want to go to work because I enjoy what I am doing, or why I am doing it.

But Julia Child didn't figure any of it out - man, marriage, career - until she was just older than I am now.  And that, my dear readers, gives me hope.

(image via The New York Times)

For What You're Worth

Last night, dear ones, I had the opportunity to have dinner with some of the ladies from The Greenpoint Girls Group, at Papacitos. It's not often that your MatchGirl has an opportunity to break bread with so many smart, interesting and creative women. It was not only a fun evening, but inspirational as well. I came home wanting to make more art, to be more focused and to spend more time with like-minded people.

A few nights ago, I had a conversation with a fellow that I've just met. In telling a story about the purchasing of my first lap top - a gorgeous tangerine iBook - I was telling this fellow that, at the time, that was a really big purchase for me. I told him how I was working retail and making, something like, $10 an hour in 1999/2000. Instead of taking this as it was, an endearing story about me needing to make sure that I got this fantastic new computer in the cute tangerine color instead of the boring blue, he looked me up and down, saying that he didn't mean to be judgmental, but what was I doing, at 24/25 years of age, working at a job that only paid $10 and hour (plus commission)? Not to be judgmental, but didn't I have any plans for my life/future/etc...?

I related this to the ladies last night and they were appalled. More so than I had been, even.

You see, it came up as a natural part of conversation about un and under employment. It came up as one of the gals in the group said she kept seeing jobs posted in her industry that would maybe pay $8 and hour. It came up as part of a conversation about how, if you work in a creative industry, while it's always tough, it's even harder right now. And how it is an employer's market. And how everyone is trying to get something for nothing. And I related to the girls - artists and writers and food makers - the anecdote from above. They all said they hoped I wasn't going to see that gentleman again.

Now, I think I will give Mr. Judgmental another chance, and consider that perhaps he just has no idea how to speak to someone who is unemployed in this economy (or doesn't roll with too many people who are purely creative types).

It's not that I don't want to make money, gentle readers. But it's never been my priority. I want to live comfortably - more so than I have been able to live recently - I don't, however, want those who have never worked in my industry telling me how to do so. I don't want people who have never struggled to tell me how much they think I should make - or, more to the point, how much I should have made. I can't go back to 1999 and re-do my life. There's no use discussing it. Would I even want to? Probably not.

As I near a year of unemployment, my dears, I am thinking hard about those I spend my time with. I am thinking about how to make the best use of my time (even more so than before). I am thinking about the people I need to surround myself with. Amazing, creative folks, all looking to meet more creative and interesting folks? Definitely. People who are going to ask me if I am looking for a job (duh) or judge me based on decisions I've made in my distant past? Not so much.

The Art Of Woo

Several years ago, when your MatchGirl was living in Boston and freshly out of a four year relationship, she had a friend who would always tell her to make sure she was wooed. To make the boy work for it. And, while perhaps some of the advice that this friend gave bordered on game-playing or was simply too close to "The Rules", much of it was good advice.

Over the years, and through the guys she has dated, gentle readers, your MatchGirl has thought a lot about this advice. I've never been a girl to play games. But, as I get older, and the eligible (and interesting) men are more elusive, I spend more time thinking about the advice of my friend (who is professionally successful and married with a child) and the appropriate way to deal with a multitude of dating situations.

In speaking with another single, Greenpoint girl a few days ago, the topic of wooing came up once again. My fellow single lady mentioned that she has noticed how men don't woo anymore. They seem to not know how. She mentioned that they don't call - they text. They don't plan a date - they just wanna "hang". And, of course, once you have gone out once or twice with a guy (whether you have made out with him, let alone slept with him or not) the late night texts to "meet for a drink" come. The other single lady mentioned that she didn't really care if it was PC or not, but that she wanted to be wooed. She wants a phone call to set up the date. She wants the first date planned, and, whether it sounds bad or not, she wants the guy to pay for that first date. Your MatchGirl, though she may be a mostly independent woman, dear readers, agrees 100%.

I recently came across the blog Rules For My Unborn Son and while many of the rules are simply good advice for anyone, and while some are funny and some are too true, there are also many reminding the young man that the woman he is dating/sleeping with/whatever is the daughter or sister of someone. And to treat her well. And, though not the point of the site (which is also chock full of dapper men one should look up to and great songs one should listen to), there is a lot of advice that one could well use to woo a girl.

It's not about the money spent that matters. A restaurant that's hard to get into and has a great review by Frank Bruni is great, but it's not necessary (though it's fun from time to time). For the most part, the gal would prefer something a little more thoughtful. I promise she wants to be impressed by your personality and consideration more than your bank account. One of the sweetest first dates I ever had was a bottle of wine and some Whole Foods sushi on a blanket on Boston Common followed by browsing in a dusty book store. It was a thoughtful date. It was planned. It was set up with a phone call. It ended with a chaste good-afternoon kiss. And it made me left feeling like the gentleman had taken the time to plan it and pursue it. Not that he was just looking for a piece of ass.

Every time I post a piece on dating, gentle ones, I get a lot of responses from the guys, telling me that is not the way they act. Or that every guy knows better than to behave on one way or another. And perhaps the men who are posting to me are truly that aware and do know how to treat a lady right (and like a lady), but, boys, your female friends complain about these things for a reason. They've experienced the cads.

So follow this advice: "Always offer your date the seat with the best view of the restaurant." It shows you care.

The Facts of Life: Rejection

Rejection. It's a fact of life. It happens to all of us, from time to time. It's one of those lines that runs through so many aspects of our lives - from your job hunt to dating ...

I stumbled upon this op-ed on the NPR website the other day - a parent writing about how her son had applied for a summer job, how he had gotten so into it - even corresponding several times with the person taking the applications - and how he never heard a word. Not even a form letter saying that the position had been filled. Now, I know in this day and age, and in this shitty economy, every job listed gets hundred of applicants. I know that in my job search, I have heard back from people ... not at all. Even for jobs that were my exact job description. People just don't have the same courtesy that they used to - appreciation for the time (or feelings) of others. And it stinks.

I've written here before, gentle readers, about the men I have dated and their strange and often not-nice behavior. Here's the thing - telling someone you don't want to see them any more stinks. It's hard. You'll probably hurt their feelings. But not telling them anything, just leaving them hanging, is a dick move. It's something that guys - the world over - do. They just drop off the face of the earth. Because they're cowards.

Maybe the people in HR are cowards, too. Maybe they've all been left hanging by some guy one too many times. Maybe they've just all forgotten how terrible it feels to be left hanging, sitting by the phone, waiting for that call that never comes ...

Romance

A week or two ago, I stumbled upon a fun post by Jen over at Your Unemployed Daughter, offering advice to the single guys out there on how to treat a lady. The rules of dating - or, better yet, of basic, common, decency. Last night, on my way to meet an old friend for dinner, I ran into another friend, a couple of years younger than me, in a serious relationship and he made a comment about that post from YUD, that I had linked to on my Facebook page. And it made me think about dating - the good guys, the ones who don't need advice on that kind of thing are the guys that will read that blog and take it to heart and not realize that most of their friends are the guys that do all the things that are the wrong things.

And, since Jen gave the advice and gave it well, I don't feel the need to repeat it here, since, gentle readers, you can just pop on over and read "Fellas, Please" in its original context.

It did, however, get me thinking about romance. And the men I have known. And the men I have loved. And some of the most romantic things that they have done for me. Your MatchGirl, dear ones, will proffer the caveat that many of these lovely gestures were from the same man - and thinking of them used to make me very sad, but now just makes my heart feel a little warm.

A few lovely gestures:

Bring flowers. I had a beau when I was younger who would leave wildflowers on my doorstep, sometimes in a little yard sale bud vase. Sometimes in a Dixie cup.

Hold her hair back. I had wicked food poisoning one evening, not so long ago and though I don't have long enough hair to hold back, my gentleman friend took good care of me. Coming to my apartment when I didn't feel pretty enough to be seen, going out in the middle of the night, in the dead of winter, to get Gatorade and ginger ale and Saltines for my ailing tummy.

Send her a note. A real letter. A post card. A photo with a couple of lines scribbled in Sharpie on the back. A scrawled heart.

Make her something. My first real love, made me things. and he was quite a talent. He made me drawings, he made me origami flowers, he made me a gorgeous piece of furniture. He bought me things, too. But the things he made for me were then, and will always be, so much more special.

Hold her hand. In public. It's important. A gesture. A touch. It means more than you would think it ever could.

Make her breakfast. It doesn't need to be amazing. Toast and eggs and coffee. Remember how she takes her coffee. Bring it to her in bed. Let her sleep a little. My father gets up early every morning to make my mother coffee and bring it to her in bed, even though he is retired and she has to be up at 5:30am. He has done this for years, and, dear ones, it's one of the most simple, most beautiful gestures that I've ever seen.

Being a single girl, it's been a long time since I've gotten far enough dating anyone to really have any of these gestures made to me (a cup of coffee here and there, but not much more). But I have been thinking about these things, about relationships, as I watch some fall apart around me, and I know how easy it is to forget the little things, the small gestures that really are what romance is all about.