Yes, my friends, our friend Matt has been serving Jury Duty!
Check it out:
Big news! For at least the next two days, and perhaps until next Monday, I’m gainfully employed as a professional justice meter-outer–that’s right, I’ve got Jury Duty! At least I’m getting the $40 a day (I wonder if they tax that?) which I should receive in the next 4-6 years. Let me tell you, boys and girls, it was trip–a true cross section of humanity. Because I live on the LES, this crowd was exclusively from Manhattan Island and some little sliver of the Bronx, and STILL, the insanity runneth over. I could only imagine doing it in Kings County, because I’m sure the selection would be so much more than just Williamsburg hipsters and Park Slope carriage-pushers–it would be an open casting call for all of the borough’s best stereotypes. And I bet the cases would be more interesting, as well. Instead of the plain-jane armed robbery I may end up sitting on, let’s imagine the perfect Brooklyn case: Paulie smacks his neighbor Patsy with an aged salami because Patsy wouldn’t move his Deville out of Paulie’s spot. I’d want to be there just for the pinky rings, but, I digress, and, besides, stereotypes are mean and make the baby Jesus cry. Unfortunately, this sort of puts the job search on a mini-hold; I can’t very well respond to an interview request with: “in 3-7 days, I may be able to come in.” Or, can I? I guess people would understand, eh screw it what’s the worst that could happen? Alright, that decides it, I’m back on my horse, and I’ll continue to scour the interweb; thanks for all of your help with that.
Which brings me to my second point and first gripe. I ran across a posting somewhere, I don’t remember exactly where, but it was one of the usual suspects. I clicked on a link to see more about the position, and it redirected me to a recruitment site called oDesk. The first problem, well, perhaps not problem, but annoyance, I encountered, was it forced me to fill out one of those ridiculously long profiles, that is basically just a longer format of my resume. I hate this. I have worked to whittle my resume down to a pithy selection of pertinent facts. The cover letter and interview (hopefully) are where I can dazzle them with my intellect and staggering knowledge of Friends trivia. But, still, I soldiered on. Then comes the kicker. Before I am “allowed” to apply for one of their mystical jobs, I have to take some sort of online test AND I have to score at least a 90. I’m not concerned about having the skills to get through it, but, and here’s the thing, I’m a writer, and an advertising copywriter at that. What sort of a generic skills test can you possibly give that would even begin to quantify what’s in my portfolio, or reflects my breadth of experience. That question was rhetorical, by the way. Needless to say, I haven’t taken the test yet, but haven’t seen any postings that make my bow tie spin around like Stan Laurel (was that an arcane enough reference?). Anyway, because I am a hack and whore, I will undoubtedly end up caving and taking the damn test, but, for a few days at least, I will remain a man of dignity and standards… a man making $40 a day with the rest of the citizenry too dumb or lazy to weasel out of jury duty.