Fellow Unemployed Brooklyner Tony wrote this joking cover letter, which he sent in with his resume to a job listed on Craigslist (?), after writing a ton of them and not getting any real response. Enjoy!
Did I get your attention?
Yep. This is one crazy fucking cover letter, bitches!
I know what you’re thinking, this guy thinks he’s going to get a job by writing “Oh My Fucking God!!” to us. Is he insane? It’s possible, you know. After writing 400 cover letters for jobs that are probably beyond lame and way too easy for me to be engaged in for more than a week or two, I have lost my ability to write happy, positive cover letters telling you just how god damn excited I am to work for your lame ass company that will probably have to do it’s own wave of lay-offs in a few months anyway.
And hell, I’m probably not even qualified, since I went to art school and have been working mindless corporate bullshit admin jobs for over a decade.
But regardless, I am applying for the position of Executive Assistant so I can help organize some random douche bag suit so he can adequately do his job, cheat on his wife, go to the gym and not miss any appointments he probably has at an airport-area motel with a underage boy named Angel.
My qualifications include very quick and clever comebacks to any insult flung at me, the ability to look like I am working when I am instead twittering the world about how easy it would be to rob your company blind and my extraordinary way to articulate sexually devious rants to all your female and closeted male co-workers.
Do not hesitate on this one!
I look forward to hearing from you about this position, which I am sooo fucking excited about, I think I just wet myself.
References of women I’ve slept with and never called back at your request.