Ah, gentle readers, as you may be aware, your MatchGirl is fast approaching one of those pivotal birthdays - one of those milestone years that makes you re-examine your life, your decisions; where you've been and where you want to go; what you want versus what you need.
I think that I have been pretty lucky, in general. I have a great and loving support system in friends and family. I have people that care what's going on in my life and whether I am OK or not - whether I am working or unemployed. I have you, dear ones, reading and sending encouragement to me and, more importantly, to each other, via this little web page and the Facebook page. I have a roof over my head and money to buy groceries and dinners and cocktails. I am slowly (very slowly) getting my shit together to save some pennies after a very long year and a half of unemployment. I've been at my current job for about six months and, by all accounts, it's going pretty well.
When I was 25 and thought ahead to being 35, it seemed very far away. And it was. Looking back to 25 feel like a lifetime has passed in that decade. So many things have happened. So many people have come in and out of my life. But, in 2000, it seemed like I had a lot of life ahead of me, like 35 was a long time away. And, I knew, that by the time I was 35, I would be an adult. I would be established in my career. I would be married (I thought to the man I was with when I was 25). I would have a very "grown-up" home. I would have children. None of these things have come true. And 45 does not seem so far from 35 as 35 did from 25.
So, I am considering need versus want.
I lack for very little.
Yet, I still want. Don't we all?
I mean, I need to save money. I need to pull together savings for retirement, even though I've just barely started a new career. I need to save for the eventuality of a home and children and all the hundreds and thousands of dollars that go with those commitments. I need to continue to do well in my job - to grow and move ahead within it. I need to keep a roof over my head a my belly full of good food and to do yoga and get enough sleep and drink enough water. I need to know that I am loved. And I need to give my own love. These are my needs. They are simple. They are basic. They are, I think, pretty universal.
But I want.
I want this little gold octopus necklace I keep spying in the vitrine at Catbird.
I want these cute DKNY sheets.
I want pretty much the entire Hayden Harnett Fall 2010 collection.
I want a new tattoo by the very talented Myles Karr.
But that's the thing. They're just wants. My life, dear readers, will go on, even without the Cromwell jacket. And, those of you who know me know I already have a couple of necklaces with octopus motifs, so... you know... I don't really need the necklace either. And my shoulder can live ink free for a while longer - it's gone this far...
When I was younger and my birthday or a holiday approached, I could easily whip up a Wish List for my parents/family members/boyfriends of things I absolutely "had to have". It was so simple. I wanted so much. I don't feel want in the same way any longer. It's definitely not a want that feels like a need.
Simply a wistful, wishing kind of want.
There are so many more important things in my life these days.
Things that I actually need:
A strong hand to hold.
A place to put my thoughts.
A circle of friends - to share laughs and tears and crazy nights and quiet Sunday afternoons.
Sunshine through my windows.
Mornings of yoga and black coffee.
A crazy job to go to and a quiet home to come back to.
Pretty basic, really.
But, don't get me wrong. If any of you feel like buying me any of the things that I want ... well, that's cool, too.